our dreams was another hollow promise. This rise and fall of expectations necessitates a never-ending pilgrimage with no holy sepulcher. I reached out at something that looked real, but all I touched was emptiness. But male homosexuality was never a monotheistic religion; the gay male community is a pantheon of various shrines housed inside the bars, bathhouses, and now on geosocial networking apps, where thousands of headless torso shots start to look like the marble fragments of ancient Greek. As someone new to the scene, the unrelenting subliminal fear is that you will remain in constant boyhood or worse still permanently lapse into the humiliation of your former sissy persona. Up ahead, I could faintly see a dimly lit rectangular block bench. In gay male culture we required strident rules; even drag queens were only considered admirably successful if they could pass for the opposite sex. Topical over-the-counter ointments proved useless and the painful blisters and sores appeared to be moving inside. In a worse case scenario, in the backrooms, there loitered men who only wanted a male body with blood rushing through its veins. Marble Torso of a God or Athlete, Roman Imperial, circa 1st/2nd Century.D.
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One of the last songs I heard in a gay club: My loneliness is killing me (and I). This wasnt an intermediate state between heaven and earth it was hell. The once cherished possession becomes a torment and you throw it out. So far, I had only mingled with other men in the gay vestibules of the bars and discos. We liked men who looked like men. In fact, we were willing to pay anything. I collapsed into the gutter. The spaces towards the front were the most elaborate while the ones towards the rear comprised almost empty rooms painted black. The literal end for every gay man on their knees, holding apart your butt cheeks, hoping some man will appear. However, my skin cleared up and I went back.
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